Relationships are rough, but I’m inclined to think they’re even rougher on women. Our nature is deeply-rooted in emotion, compassion, and a call to nurture. We don’t feel intimacy through sex, but through meaningful conversation, knowing we’re thought of, and feeling tended to. We need a connection not of the body, but of the heart and soul. Because of this, it’s very easy for us to be hurt, to feel used, and to feel emotionally neglected. This also makes it very hard for us to recognize unhealthy relationships dynamics. We also suffer from silenced voices. Being able to speak, being listened to, and being collaborated with are not something our society has embraced for woman-man relationships.
We’re making progress, but we definitely ain’t there yet. This issue is what inspired me to write this post for Mogul. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it….
The Trouble With Relationships (And Why Trouble Is So Great)
Our world has this idea that bad people are bad to the bone. As if they’re brain is wired for evil or they’re made of “bad people” DNA. But I couldn’t disagree more.
I grew up seeing a very different side of this of “bad people.” My teenage years were spent bouncing around between various group homes, foster homes, and so-called treatment centers. Each and every “bad kid” that I knew had an equally bad story to tell.
Actually, the things these kids did seemed like nothing compared to the suffering they came from. With group therapy twice a week, we got quite familiar with each other’s struggles. And when it came time for someone to read their written account of their lives, we got rather familiar with the gritty details of “dysfunctional” homes and families.
Hearing those stories, there was no room to consider the thought that the “badness” of these kids was caused by the nature of their DNA — “nurture” and environment was the cause behind their troubled and criminal ways. All that these kids (and myself) were doing was mimicking behaviors modeled by the adults in their lives, or they had picked up behaviors that allowed them to “cope” and survive.
Bottom line: They weren’t bad. They were just doing what they knew, or doing what they had to do.
Group home kid or not, we’re all stuck thinking and behaving in ways that we may be completely unaware of. Because this stuff is burned into the deepest recesses of our subconscious. And we don’t know it until we experience the unknown or unseen (like, say, with relationships — but more on that later).
That can be a real pain, because discovering the unknown requires us to learn as we go. We have to be willing to change everything about ourselves; thoughts, behavior, ideas, beliefs — even ideas about ideas, and beliefs about beliefs. Everything! Because we only know what we know, and we won’t know what we don’t know until we finally get to know the unknown.
Pulling this off is hard. Even harder than reading and understanding that last sentence. And this heavy, grueling work is exactly the kind of thing you don’t want to have to bear alone.
That’s where a significant other comes in. Exorcising our inner demons is scary shit. Who wants to walk to hell and back when they could try to recoup with a soul vacation via love and affection? Picnics and hikes in Hawaii trump hell any day.
But there’s a problem. Hawaii is only Hawaii so long as it’s getting hearty doses of the vital elements it requires. Should it be denied TLC through sun or rain, it will go from thriving to dying. Cut it off from these vital elements long enough, and the paradise will dry up and waste away into it’s very own version of hell. Just like that supposed soul-vacation relationship. Except now you’re going to hell with your demons — and they’re terrorizing everything they set their eyes on.
If you want to read more, you can read my original guest post on Mogul.
Thank you for visiting everyone. Blessings to you all! ❤